Diary Entry
by Melonss x
Summary: Just a quick one-shot that was an English homework thing , and i thought i'd upload it. Angel has just told tess he doesn't love her anymore when he finds out about the rape . based on 1998 film version , not the book . might add more later .
1. Tess' diary entry

**Okay so this is based on the 1998 film version, and I haven't actually read the book. So please don't yell at me for making things up or whatever because this is just for an English homework on the film that we're watching in class.**

**But yeah, enjoy.**

**Disclaimer; All Thomas Hardy's ******

Dear Diary,

It seems in a matter of less than twenty four hours, my whole world has slipped. I no longer wish to live in such a world; no longer deserve to live at all.

I thought I'd truly decided to take Mothers' advice and not mention the incident with Alec, but I suppose I lose all power that I may possess over what comes out of my mouth when around Angel; before I knew it, the whole story came tumbling out, no matter if I'd wished to stop it or not. It seems I'm just unable to lie to Angel.

It all started when he told me his confession; that he was no longer a virgin either, that he too had made a mistake in the past. At first I was overwhelmingly relieved, thinking that maybe I wasn't the only one with a troubled history, that surely, if I could so easily forgive him, he would do the same for me; I guess things don't work that way. Not for me anyway – I'm beginning to wonder why I was put on this earth at all.

But how could I deny him complete honesty, when he'd been so open with me? How could I hide it any longer knowing that he hid nothing from me? It was the perfect opportunity, one that I took… And have been regretting ever since.

I'll never forget the moment he said those words, told me straight that he no longer loved me. The moment that he ripped my heart from my chest, only to smear it around the room and throw it from his life. It's been repeating in my mind ever since; an ongoing nightmare that I can't escape. I can't help but hope that I'll awake sometime soon, and he shall love me again, but I fear that that is impossible now. I've lost whatever love he once had for me forever.

Quite ironic, it seems to me, that barely hours after we'd promised to be each others' forever, he would leave me, most likely never to return. And over something only a little different than what he confessed to have done, also.

No, I can't blame this on Angel; I won't. No matter how he feels about me, I shall always love him. Even if it means a lifetime of unreturned affections and loneliness, I shall never forget my love for him. It was fate, and I only brought this upon myself; led myself into this turmoil.

I wish I had never known of our ancestors. I wish I had never heard the name D'urberville spoken, and hope to never hear it again.

I remember telling Angel how I once wished I had never been born, and wonder if I told him he was the reason that changed. Now, I only wish it for Angels' sake.

I wish that Angel, amazing, beautiful Angel had never come across someone as foul, and impure as I.

I see this as Gods' way of punishing me for my wrongs, but must he punish Angel, too?

Tess Durbeyfield, at the time when all happiness as I know it, has ended


	2. Angel's diary entry

6th May, 1882

I don't understand how everything can go from being so perfect, to so disastrously wrong in such a short amount of time; I don't understand how someone so pure, so wonderful, can turn out to be the complete opposite. My mind just can't seem to comprehend what's happened.

And how dare she liken _that_, to what I did? I suppose it's bad enough for I, a man, to lose his virginity before marriage, and to someone whom I barely knew; but for Tess, a woman, to have done the same – worse yet, to have fallen pregnant too! She didn't even deny that she'd felt for that repulsive man, and likely hadn't fought back as hard as she should have. The thought makes me sick. Tess, my Tess…

But no, I can no longer think of her as _my _Tess, for she is the furthest thing away from the spectacular woman I fell in love with than she could ever be. I thought of her as a goddess, the greatest gift I could have had, and much better suited to my name than I ever have been, as she genuinely seemed to have come from the heavens (perhaps enough to have even made me change my beliefs, one day). How could I have been so blind?

I should've read the signs - why else would one complain so much of being called the most breathtaking female I had ever encountered? I don't wish to brag, but it seemed most of the girls there would've been ecstatic to hear me say those words to them.

It all makes sense now of course, why she was brought to tears every time I mentioned how utterly pure, how brilliant she was; why she took so long to accept my proposal, when she clearly felt for me, as I once did for her. It was because Tess was far, far from pure, and far from perfect.

I admit I can see why she would want to keep this from me; because I'd act like I'm doing now. I can't help but wish though, that she'd told me sooner, before we'd gotten married, at least. I wonder if I'd have reacted differently, if I'd have still been blinded by my supposed love for her.

And now, I am left with a dilemma. I feel, as much as it hurts me, that I can no longer live with such a person, even if I did once love her… and possibly still do, although that love is somewhat overshadowed by my anger and feelings of betrayal.

However, I know that it would be wrong; wrong to leave her so soon after announcing to our friends and family that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and wrong to leave her to simply survive alone after I'd promised to care for her. Surely, though, it would be so much crueler to stay with someone, humouring the illusion that you love them, when you truly no longer do, and probably never will again.

I am torn between my loyalty, and my disgust. Which do I let lead my decision?

Perhaps I should've married one of the other stable girls; it would've certainly made my life a lot easier.

Angel


	3. Added on ending

Tess of the D'Urbervilles; Alternate Ending

She struggles on the bed, face twisted in agony, and all I can do is grip her hand, reach out and try to soothe her.

I can't help but wonder that maybe, if I had made the right decisions, it would be another woman that I was comforting here, a different woman bearing my child.

My thoughts are soon interrupted though, as my wife lets loose another rally of shrieks, the very sound chilling me to the bone.

After countless moments, the room is silent but for our short breaths, and the faint crying of another. The end, or perhaps a new beginning, is finally in sight.

As the beautiful creature is lifted into my arms, I feel a heavy weight pass from my shoulders, giving me newfound strength and eagerness for the future.

"Have you chosen a name for her yet?" the midwife asked from her place beside the bed, sweeping the hair away from Eliza's now beaming face.

I looked down at the baby in my arms, barely able to contain the tremendous joy and love I felt at the moment – two things I feared I would never feel again, although I do think differently now. In my opinion, all sins from the past have been accounted for and forgiven, and we have both been gifted with a new chance at life.

My feelings are proven as I look into her shining blue eyes, seeing not only the child before me, but the beautiful, strong woman that I fell in love with seemingly centuries ago, but I know it only to be a few years.

"Yes," I paused, only to kiss her soft head, "Tess."


End file.
